"I had so many problems, and then I got me a Walkman."

8/18/09 | |

I guess Frank Black had the right idea. I went on Craiglist and found an ad for an old Walkman ($10). I grabbed my friend Diana, in case the guy turned out to be a psycho killer, and headed over to the corner of 82nd and Roosevelt in Jackson Heights. She was like, "Yeah this would be a great place to kidnap someone with like 1,000 eyewitnesses, dumbass." And I was like, "Um, yeah it would be a good place to kidnap someone, because there would be so much commotion no one would know what the hell was going on." Anyway, Mr. Ronald McDonald hair/Jamaica t-shirt rolls up and hands over this Walkman, complete with pristine earbuds and a new pack of batteries. He assured me that it was in working condition, and when I checked it at home with my 6th-grade cassette single ("Bump-N-Grind" by R. Kelly) I knew it was perfect.